notes to random people

Dear Goodwill Pricing Person,
I do enjoy browsing your store. You have a lot of stuff that's fun to explore. You need to remember one thing and one thing only. People are not going to pay $14.99 for a really nice but not brand new tea kettle when they can go to Walmart and buy a really nice because it's brand new one for $16.99. Clearly there is something wrong with your pricing gun.
Sincerely,
the lady who would've bought the tea kettle if it would've been $2.99 because I burnt the crap out of the last one

PS - Thank you for the super good deal on the sturdy 3 inch binder. Your pricing gun worked right for that one.

notes to random people

Dear Crabby Lady at Winco,

I don't know what your problem was this afternoon, but seriously, learn how to park your cart when your bagging your groceries. It's really not that hard. For your information, Winco cashiers can service two customers at the same time. So when you are ready to start bagging, you go to the end of the conveyor belt and turn your cart around so that the front end is touching the end of the bagging area.(See cart on the middle right because the lady in the black shirt knows how it's done.) If you leave your cart sideways, like the lady wearing red in the picture below, and then proceed to smash it into our cart, you are going to cause problems. And it won't be our fault.

You don't need to call my husband nasty names, nor do you need to think about calling security. Quit embarrassing your poor daughter and take a nap, because clearly, you need one.

Sincerely,
the wife of the husband you screamed at today

note to random cop

Dear Mr. Policeman,

Thank you for your grace and mercy Friday night when I turned left on a red arrow. I saw you over there in the right lane. I was in the turn lane, daydreaming. I was tired. Scrapping late into the night at the church with Barbara and Rachel has that affect me, and I was thinking there was still going to be a detour from the street work going on. So my mind was all weirded out. I don't even know if you were aware that I turned, but I did. I kept glancing in my rear view mirror, begging for forgiveness and hoping that moving over that many lanes of traffic would just be too much. Apparently it was, because I made it home without the red and blue flashing lights.

I will never forget you.

Sincerely,
a Vancouver driver

notes to random people (that I met while shopping at Fred Meyer)

background info:
On Friday I had to get a few things at the store before I went to pick up Wilson at the vet. I was just strolling through, with about a half hour to kill. I get to the end of the aisle by the eggs and this poor 65ish year old woman is bawling her eyes out to two Freddy employees. She had just realized that her purse had been stolen from her cart. "I don't even have any money to pay for this stuff in my cart!" I felt so bad for her and subsequently made sure I had a tight grip on my purse.

Dear Creep Who Stole This Poor Woman's Purse,
You need to go get a job and quit stealing old ladies' purses. Or any lady's purse for that matter. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope they got you on camera in aisle 11 over by the tomatoes so you can rot in jail.
Sincerely,
a concerned shopper

more background info:
After I left the scene of the crime, I continued on with my shopping. A few minutes later a hispanic man came up to me with a can of hairspray in his hand and wanted to know if this "is for my hair?" I told him yes, it was hairspray and it would hold his hair in place. He said, "Muchas gracias. . . bonita." And then he reached up and touched my hair. Ewww.

Dear Creep Who Touched My Hair,
Keep your hands to yourself. I am not your wife nor your girlfriend. I belong to Phil505. He's my knight in shining armor and if you ever do that again, he will kick you clear into next week.
Sincerely,
the blonde on aisle 13

note to random people

Dear Walmart Bread Stocker Guy,

Thanks for whistling such a lively happy tune while stocking the bread today. You made my little venture down that aisle so much more fun. Because really, who smiles like that while trying to find the Honey Wheat Berry Bread? (Which you didn't have, I might add.) It reminded me of my Grandpa Kline and how you could hear him whistle all over the farm. I had him on my mind already because as I was looking for Phil505's deoderant in the health and beauty section, I saw the Old Spice kind. My grandpa always wore Old Spice. And he always whistled.

Sincerely,
Smiling Bread Shopper

note to random people

Dear Costco Photo Department Lady,

Thank you for finally finding my precious little first graders' Mother's Day project pictures, even though you made me feel like I had lost my ever-loving mind when you said there was no record of me sending them to you last night. I knew I hadn't left them in my online shopping cart, nor did I think I sent them to a different store. A quick call to my trusty sidekick, Phil505, confirmed that, I indeed, was not crazy. Thank you for allowing me to hand you the confirmation number that had been emailed to me last night by your people and checking again. On three different computers. Because they were there all along. Thank you for apologizing and for surprising me by kindly applying the 9 cent per print coupon even though I didn't have it with me. I'm saving it for a much bigger order. So watch for me, I'll be back later this week. You'll remember who I am. I'm the nice lady that didn't get all in your face for momentarily losing my pictures.

Sincerely,
NE 138th Costco Photo Department Customer

note to random people

Dear 181st & Glisan Starbucks Order Taker Guy,

Thanks for being so happy when you took my order this morning. There's nothing quite like feeling welcome when one goes through a drive-up window. Even when I turned down your offer for a blueberry muffin to munch on, you were still polite and kind. The best part was when you asked if I'd like whipped cream with my non-fat white chocolate mocha, and when I said yes, you replied, "As you wish." It was all so very Princess Bride-like. I hope you're there to take my order the next time.

Sincerely,
Princess Wendy

note to random people

Dearest Landlords,

Thank you for deciding to stay in tropical sunny Hawaii for another year. I hope you know I was worried about you with the recent tsunami warnings you had over there and all. Thank you for not coming back which would have therefore caused me much grief and pain by having to look for a new place to live. That sort of work is really mentally and physically exhausting. Thank you for not forcing me to re-enter the local liquor stores to gather sturdy boxes. I always feel so awkward going in there. Thank you for not raising the rent. Really. Thank you for asking the property manager if your great tenants were going to stay for another year. That was simply so kind of you and made my day.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Sincerely,
your current tenant

PS - We think the bushes out front may be dead. Death by freezing is the only thing we can come up with. We haven't seen any signs of new green life yet.

note to random people

Dear Dole Salad People,

I have a request. I simply ask that you please quit putting in this green stalky, semi-leafy stuff that resembles dandelion greens in your bagged salads. What the heck is it anyway? All's I know is it's hard to chew and it makes me gag.

I'll still be buying your bagged salads because of that healthier eating plan that always kicks in this time of year, but it would save me some time if you'd just eliminate this from your list of ingredients.

Sincerely,

wanna-be biggest loser

note to random women

Dear Cat-fighting Ladies in the Walmart Parking Lot,

I just had to write and tell you how inappropriate your behavior was last night when you were fighting over the parking spot. Seriously, there were other places to park. It's not like it was the day after Thanksgiving or anything. Your lack of turning on the wrong blinker (or so I heard) didn't not require you to throw out the f bomb as much as you did. In fact, if one of you would've waited until I got my bags put in the trunk, then you could've had my spot. It was only two spaces back from the one you were fighting over. I thought you acted like complete idiots and the rest of us don't appreciate your road rage. Get some holiday spirit, would ya?

Sincerely,
Your fellow Walmart Shopper

note to random girl

Dear Random Blonde Girl Riding the MAX Red Line with me today,

Earlier you saw some kid pulling a knife on another kid and waving it in front of his face. You were apparently alarmed enough for your own safety to call the operator and report it. Then you moved to the other side of the train and promptly pulled out your cell phone. You completely ignored the operator when he stormed back to our car and asked who made the call because you were too busy talking to your boyfriend. Fortunately, that other woman you were standing by (and later told me that you were the one who called) saw it too and gave her eye witness report, all the while you were acting like a bimbo, disregarding the man. Thank you for making all of us wait until the two police officers arrived and swarmed the train with really big guns. In the future, if you're going to report an incident with a deadly weapon, be woman enough to provide the details when asked.

Sincerely,
your fellow MAX rider

note to random guy, 2nd edition

Dear old man at Winco,

I'm writing to inform you that stealing chocolate melty disks from the bulk food section of a grocery store is wrong. In fact, it's down and out stealing. I'm trying to teach a room full of second graders to keep their hands off other people's property and obey the Ten Commandments and here you are eating a handful of stolen groceries. So next time, don't be meandering through the bulk food section with a handful of chocolate. Or peanuts. Or whatever else you can get your sticky little fingers on. Put it in a bag and buy it.

Sincerely,
a fellow Winco bulk food fan who pays for her chocolate melty disks

PS - Be sure your sin will find you out. That's what my Grandma Fannie always says. She also says, Liars burn. Sizzle. Sizzle. So if lying is also a problem for you, you might want to repent while you're ahead.

note to random guy

Dear Random Guy I saw at Boiler Bay on Saturday,

I don't know you, and I don't really care to know you. But I do think you need to be told to zip your pants and fasten your belt inside the bathroom, not on your way out the door. Seriously, didn't your mother teach you any manners? And it's not like the bathroom was real stinky or anything. It had actual flushing toilets.

My friend Jody and I could've gone without seeing that.

Sincerely,
Wendy from Vancouver