Wednesday, September 5, 2012

it was a long, hard day

School started here today and I was home with my dog instead of getting to know a new group of students. He was really good today. Unusually well-behaved. Thank goodness because I don't think I could've handled it otherwise. I think he could sense that all was not well with me. Perhaps it was the tears, or all the hot tea I kept making myself, or the fact that I woke him up for a change. He got lots of extra biscuits and a spoonful of peanut butter. I got lots of puppy love as he sat on my lap and kept me company.

I've taught for fourteen and a half years. There was a brief two year break when I moved back home, worked at my church, and did some subbing for a while. But this was the first time in thirteen years that school started without me. I kept trying to remind myself today of all those days last year when the kids were driving me completely insane and I was thinking maybe a year's sabbatical might be a good change. But when it all comes down to it, I missed being able to set up my classroom and make labels and buy new Sharpies and smell the school supplies. I purposely avoided the school supply aisles this year. Today I missed seeing the new backpacks and tennis shoes and lunchboxes and watercolor sets. I missed collecting the Kleenex and extra glue sticks and Clorox wipes. Most of all I missed all those smiling faces so eager to get things going. I'd look at the clock and think, "hmmm. . . right now maybe I'd be doing a read aloud." Instead, I applied for two more jobs and washed the kitchen cabinets with Murphy's Oil Soap to keep my mind occupied.
I'm ready to be done with this season in my life. Ready to be done with the self-doubt that creeps in and the feelings of anger and bitterness that seem to overtake my mind.
I hope tomorrow's a short, easy day. Today's been drug out long enough.

4 comments:

Luci Smith said...

I cried reading this today. Oh Wendy I am so sorry. My heart aches and honestly when I dropped Jena off (I no longer drop Emma off sigh) I thought of you. Jena's new teacher has always reminded me of you and now I will always think of you when I see her. Glad Wilson was a good boy. Mika seems to sense my moods too and boy has it been an emotional roller coaster.....and yet he knows. Glad for puppy dogs to help with the sadness.
Love you.

Kerry Messer said...

You ARE a fantastic teacher, even at this very moment, without a class or classroom. The Lord is paving new pathways for you. Somebody is waiting to be taught by you. Maybe it's we-the-readers for now, maybe it's a new volunteer opportunity.

I love you, Schwen. Change & "uncertainty" can feel lonely. But remember, our identity comes from our Great Teacher. And He & I both know you're "A+" material!!!

bmarquez said...

I totally agree with the above posts. You are an amazing teacher, woman, and friend. Love you.

Kellie said...

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS.... wish I was closer to actually give you one. It can be so overwhelming when you are in the valley. I am thankful for the reasons the Lord is giving you this season of life... and praying for it to end!! The waiting can be so hard.